


Remember These Thoughts

by Zaithiest



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Smut, Top!Liam, a little possessiveness, a little touchy feely, bottom!Zayn, did i mention there's smut in this one?, headcannon, i saw liam's hair and i had to okay, ziam, ziamsmut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:27:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5773036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaithiest/pseuds/Zaithiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not easy, remembering who you use to be. Liam needs a little help and of course Zayn is there for him and in the end they learn to fix each other in places they never even knew were broken.<br/>"Liam.” Zayn spoke worried brows wrinkling his forehead with concern. “Babe, why are you doing this?”<br/>“You already know don't you?”</p><p>(Liam recently shaved his head so naturally I wrote about it)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember These Thoughts

“All of it?”

“All of it.”

Zayn ran his hands through the long strands of Liam's hair, brows furrowed but concern was silenced by the determination set in Liam's features. Instead, Zayn simply memorized as best he could the cool, smooth texture of the sandy locks tossed across Liam's forehead without the stiff hold of gel. Zayn knew, somehow, that it was more than a haircut Liam wanted but he didn't dare ruin the fragile trust he had re-established, the thin ice covering an ocean without waves and temperatures too inconsistent to rely on.

“You're sure?” Zayn asked wondering how fast thoughts move for one of them to be doubt.

“You wanna ask one more time or am I going to have to do it myself?” 

“Okay.” It was a sigh, maybe more a preparation for Zayn than confirmation for Liam. 

There wasn't a breath, a twitch, a heartbeat that Zayn didn't miss. He knew there was something he couldn't see yet, something with a little more substance that he couldn't touch until he understood more. 

“Okay.” He repeated in a sigh. 

Liam chuckled. “I feel like your more upset than I am.”

Zayn couldn't laugh at that, not when he knew so little.

Liam closed his eyes, let the pads of Zayn's fingers massage gently into his scalp, something he use to take for granted, something he never thought he would have to miss so much.

“Why don't we do this in the tub, we've already got dog hair everywhere, you don't need to add to that.” Zayn smiled only when Liam did. It was something cautious, something careful.

It was quiet, the few steps they took to the bath. Maybe it was their minds again, moving fast enough for second thoughts. Zayn, however, ruled that out when Liam stripped his shirt.

“If you should be shaving anything, it should be your chest.” He laughed ridding himself of his own top.

“You don't like it?” 

“I think Niall's jealous.”

Laughing together was another piece of happiness taken for granted too many times before. It was luxury now, when they could both be happy at the same time, when they didn't have to worry about still raw sensitivity. It felt as if they exhausted every conversation in the past five years. New words were hard to find even though it seemed not long ago they did it so easily. Why was speaking so difficult when thinking came so naturally?

“It's in the top cabinet.” Liam nodded stepping into the ceramic bathtub.

It took Zayn a moment to remember what he had been doing there before opening the cabinet and reaching for a razor probably untouched in years. 

“Why didn't you go to a Barbour?” 

“I had the stuff. Why spend the money when you don't have to.” Liam explained taking more interest in the faucet than the conversation.

Zayn sighed unwrapping the cord and plugging it in near the sink.

“Why didn't you really?” He tried again warming up to the familiarity that use to be so routine. 

“I didn't want anyone to know until I told them.” Liam looked up at the boy with blond hair and a black beard, with kind eyes and an even kinder soul, with knowledge to know when to ask the right questions and when to recognize their false answers. 

Zayn walked carefully, he sat down gently on the edge of the tub, he waited patiently for the boy sitting in it to look at him instead of his knees. Liam looked so young, sitting there like a child afraid of the dark. 

“Liam.” Zayn spoke worried brows wrinkling his forehead with concern. “Babe, why are you doing this?”

The question was soft enough to coax a timid answer out of hiding. 

“You already know, don't you?” Liam asked turning to see the answer in Zayn's face but it was confusion etched into the boy's features. “You did the same thing, remember?”

Everyone told him remembering would be painful because the end wasn't happily ever after but they were wrong. When Zayn thought of everything he had been through, everyone he had met, he knew he would never want to forget any of it. 

Every color, every length, he'd like to say they had meaning that there was something more poetic behind it than 'just for laughs'. The truth was plain, he was free to do what he wanted for once but he didn't know what to do with it. So hair dye it was. No one could tell him he couldn't cut it that short or change the color that many times in one go. It was stupid, but he made that decision himself, no one did that for him.

“I was trying to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be. I had to start from the beginning again.”

“I don't want to start over.” Liam combed his hand through his hair. “I just want to remember who I was.”

The buzzing of the razor was the only sound in the house, save for the shallow breathing of two boys. The silence was threatening, but comfortable. It wasn't the quiet that was frightening but what happened when thoughts weren't described out loud. Doubt, regret, question. 

When it was all gone, every last hair trimmed down to a little more than nothing, Zayn slipped from his position behind Liam to in front of him in the narrow tub. His palms were careful when they held Liam's face, his eyes were soft.

“You don't need to change to remember who you were.” Zayn spoke low, it was too big a house to speak any louder. “You were kind and caring and quiet. At first you were a little awkward but weren't we all? Yeah, you took it all so seriously but we corrupted you soon enough.” Zayn paused long enough for a smile. “You straightened your hair every morning 'cause you reckoned it made you look older. You stopped that time I caught you and told you the curls made you nearly as charming as Harry. You told Niall everyday he would have the nicest teeth in the band when all was said and done. You laughed at Harry's God awful jokes and when I asked why you told me it was because you loved his smile every time he made someone laugh. You're our leader, Liam. Even Louis listens to you. You were always so strong when the rest of us couldn't be, you stood up for everybody no matter if you were on the loosing side. You never gave up on anything; not x-factor, not the band, not me and you. It's easy to lose yourself in a world as big as this, especially when you've been all over it, but you have four guys right by you who would give you anything in a heartbeat and if that means reminding you of who you use to be by cutting off your hair than so be it. You use to be Liam Payne, now, you're Liam Payne of One Direction and you will always be the man I love.”

Zayn didn't realize there were tears in Liam's eyes until he kissed him, all tangled and twisted in the basin of a creamy colored bathtub. He didn't realize that he was out of breath until they pulled apart and he was gasping for it. And he didn't realize how fragile thoughts were until his shattered into pieces at the touch of Liam's lips.

There wasn't much to be said. There was little Zayn hadn't already said and too much for Liam to form sentences with. There was hair tickling the back of Liam's neck, falling onto Zayn's shoulder and into the tub when Liam picked him up, Zayn's legs wrapped around his waist as Liam stepped out of the tub nearly tripping on the edge. 

Thank God the bedroom was directly across the hall or else Liam would have taken Zayn right then and there. Not so romantic, going at it in a bathroom full of shaven hair. 

The kisses were sloppy but neither of them cared, there is little time for perfection in a moment. 

Liam all but fell on top of Zayn as they stumbled onto the bed pulling at the waistbands of their shorts and boxers, shucking them off in one go. 

The way Liam kissed down his chest had Zayn breathless, the way he mouthed the sensitive flesh left him muttering nonsense. 

“You know who you are?” Liam asked not waiting for an answer before continuing the descent of his lips on Zayn's torso. “You are the boy who never-” He pressed a kiss to the wing printed on Zayn's chest “-doubted out loud. You-” Another just bellow the bright red ink in the center of his chest. “-are the singer who knew what he wanted.” Liam licked down just an inch before moving to Zayn's nipple, mouthing around it, not yet touching. “You are the roll model-” Liam licked over the tip. “-who isn't afraid to be himself. You are the quiet one-” Liam pressed his lips to the bead of sensitive flesh. “-who's voice moves mountains.” Zayn's jaw opened when Liam sucked on the puckered skin, teeth lightly grazing, teasing, but nothing except whimpers escaped. “You-” The newly shaven boy looked up with glossy eyes, swollen lips and a smirk that would have the queen in tears. “-are mine.” He finished with a grinding motion, palms squeezing Zayn's sides, holding his hips down.

Zayn's fists twisted in the sheets, tangling navy blue fabric in his knuckles.

“L-Li.” Zayn warned attempting to buck his hips again under the weight of Liam's hands. 

Liam pushed off and crawled forward to reach his drawer fingers shaking around the tube of gel but something was missing.

“I haven't got condoms.” He breathed, his face inches from Zayn's.

The blond boy shook his head, nearly crying from anticipation, desperation. “I'm clean, I'm clean, Liam, I swear just please.”

Liam pressed a kiss quickly to Zayn's lips before sinking back down to the end of the bed spreading a probably unnecessary amount of lube onto his fingers before slowly pressing one into the writhing boy before him. 

“Li.” Zayn gasped, eyes closed, unknowing.

“I'm right here baby, right here.”

Zayn winced as a second finger pushed in, he had forgotten the resistance in his body, the hesitation in his heart. It felt like seconds, too fast but he couldn't wait. His impatience cost something between pain and pleasure. There was so much taken for granted those years but never this. Never this.

Three was heart-racing. The stretch was painful, the tug was arousing. It was everything Zayn could do not to scream.

“Liam, please, I'm ready, I need you, just-”

“Shh, babe, I got you, yeah? What do you need?”

“You, I need you I need-”

Liam dragged his fingers out of the whimpering boy wondering how it was so easy to slip from words like strangers to actions like lovers. He tossed the bottle after adding more lube to himself and pushed slowly into Zayn.

Zayn's mouth was open, eyes shut, ears ringing. Liam bit his lip, pulling Zayn's knees farther apart and reveling in the feeling of Zayn's heat wrapped around the length of his dick. 

“Fuck, Li, move.” Zayn gasped ignoring the twinge of pain along his spine, forgetting the uncontrollable want that pushed his hips further towards Liam.

The slow drag of in and out turned into a rhythm of two hearts. They didn't need to remember who they were to know what they wanted. They didn't need to be free to have will. They were Zayn and Liam, they belonged to each other, they always had and they would never forget that.

Liam bent over, pressing his chest to Zayn's and scooping up the boy beneath him holding him close, never letting go. His thrusts swayed both of them, the back and forth rocking them but neither of them cared, neither of them had any intention to stop.

“I love you, I have always loved you.” Liam spoke into Zayn's hair, the latter clawing at his back, clenching his jaw at the pulsing pleasure each time Liam slid entirely in. “I wasn't ready to let you go, I don't think I ever will be. You're mine, Zayn. Mine.”

“I'm yours.” Zayn repeated loving the way it sounded coming out of his mouth in pants. “I'm yours, Liam, I'm yours, I'm yours.”

Liam was lost, he was gone. Zayn felt it in the stuttering of his hips, in the shaking of his breath. Liam came undone and with that feeling, that indescribable feeling of being so close, so full. Taken up like there was no room to breath, Zayn came undone too. 

They forgot about showers and the mess of the sheets and the bath. Liam rested Zayn gently on the sheets, pulling out slowly, wincing at the hiss of the sensitive boy collapsed under him. Liam was quick to wrap himself around him, digging his toes into the bedding and hitching it as far as it would go above their ankles. Zayn's back pressed to Liam's chest and they breathed the same, cuddled into one another like every inch of touching skin was a memory never forgotten, a thought carved into words. 

They found each other.

And they didn't have to look very far in the past to do so.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wasn't going to add a note on this fic but I wanted to thank every one of you! Thank you for the amazing success on Love You Goodbye, thank you for all of the wonderful comments and messages you sent me and, most importantly, thank you for inspiring me to continue!
> 
> Lots of Love!  
> ~Lauren 
> 
>  
> 
> (P.S. This is my first time writing smut so some feedback would be great! Was it boring? Too rushed? Confusing? Let me know what you thought!)
> 
>  
> 
> Check out the photo inspiration on my [Tumblr](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/)


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